One of the most common questions I hear from divorced parents is, “Why does every interaction with my ex feel like an explosion?” The answer often lies in your sense of identity. When you’ve poured most of your identity into being a partner and a parent, divorce leaves you feeling as though you’ve lost yourself.
The Identity Pie is a simple but revealing exercise. Imagine your identity as a pie chart divided into slices — parent, professional, friend, lover, individual. For many people going through divorce, the “partner” slice disappears and the “parent” slice grows to fill the void. Everything else shrinks. That imbalance creates resentment and reactivity. You respond to your ex as if they are taking pieces of your remaining pie.
"When your sense of self is lopsided, even a text message can feel like a threat to your identity."
Balanced identity isn’t about spending equal time in each role — it’s about investing emotional energy in more than one area of your life. When you cultivate friendships, hobbies and professional growth, co‑parenting becomes less fraught. You stop measuring your worth by how much time you have with your child and start measuring it by the quality of your presence.
I encourage clients to redraw their Identity Pie every few months. Notice which slices are taking up too much space and which are being neglected. Then deliberately expand the neglected areas. The goal isn’t to diminish your role as a parent; it’s to build a more resilient sense of self so co‑parenting challenges don’t derail your stability.
You can explore the Identity Pie in more depth through our Insight Series or by joining one of our weekly groups. It’s a game‑changer for anyone navigating co‑parenting after divorce.